The past however long of my life has been so different than what I envisioned that it's hard to remember last winter and spring and think of it as anything more than just a brief season that I got to enjoy before something realized I snuck in and didn't belong. If it was my own actions or just life it seemed time for a new trial and time of being alone. After 5 years of growth and experiences in college brought to me such a fun and thriving part of my life I am now in nearly totally different circumstances staring at uncertainty and challenge. Thus far it has led to only loneliness mixed with brief moments of adventure and feelings of belonging. I have a job, praise the Lord, one that I enjoy very much in fact. So much that at times it is the part of my week I look forward too the most. I don't mind coming in early or staying late. Of course with working 6:30 to 5:15 Mon-Thur this proves to make my already monotone week even more work oriented. But still I don't mind. Mostly because I don't do much outside of work and the few things I do I'm not excited about enough to really look forward to them. My three day weekends often go by quickly and unproductively and end in my own guilt of not doing more, serving more, being apart of something bigger. I feel so lost. I know exactly what I am doing to cause this feeling and the things that I could do to fix it, but still I feel so unable to move, days pass by with no motivation, no excitement. I try to run still but only end up feeling on the brink of injury and exhaustion.
I don't think I have ever felt so out of the loop. Rarely do people seek to spend time with me and likewise I rarely seek to spend time with others. I feel excluded from my church community, something I attempted to fit-in with for so long but have since lost the energy and immaturity to keep up with. My friends from college seemed to move onto a stage of life that I have yet to get too or have already moved past. My lifestyle is so selfish yet most of the time I just wish I could be doing something for others. I really don't mind being alone, selfish me could do it all the time, but what the Lord desires for me calls me to do much more, and I have put that pressure solely on myself. Which I am not able to fulfill. I don't feel to different from many others around me, yet they all seem to get something I just can't grasp. A happiness, a sense of belonging, a confidence in who they are as a child of God. I am too frustrated with myself to just live freely. I look back at my actions and even my mindset while writing this and automatically count myself out of the club. I can't remember the last time I met a new friend haha. Finding the balance between following the set path and being open to new ones is proving difficult. What am I missing? Why don't I get it? Why do I only feel excluded from those around me? I know it's because I am far from the Lord. I think I can do this on my own, but that is false, both socially and spiritually. I have so far to go it discourages and emasculates me. So I just act like things are going well and perpetuate it. So frustrating and so embarrassing. Turns out I'm not the hot shot I thought I was.
I am so excited to grow as a man and feel I am in the perfect place with a job I enjoy, a new sense of adventure (and a pair of ski's to take me there), and a desire to do so much for the kingdom now that I may not have the ability to do later. It's high time I use the blessings and what time and relationships I do have to hurry up and be patient for where the Lord is taking me, cause I can't go there on my own. Much like I went to school knowing hardly a sole and walked away with such rich relationships I enter a new time of figuring out what my mission is. I know these lonely nights and times of frustration will lead to a rich future with Christ. But where to start?
"Though I feel just as strong as any man I know
I'm not able on my own"
-----
Brad
I don't think I have ever felt so out of the loop. Rarely do people seek to spend time with me and likewise I rarely seek to spend time with others. I feel excluded from my church community, something I attempted to fit-in with for so long but have since lost the energy and immaturity to keep up with. My friends from college seemed to move onto a stage of life that I have yet to get too or have already moved past. My lifestyle is so selfish yet most of the time I just wish I could be doing something for others. I really don't mind being alone, selfish me could do it all the time, but what the Lord desires for me calls me to do much more, and I have put that pressure solely on myself. Which I am not able to fulfill. I don't feel to different from many others around me, yet they all seem to get something I just can't grasp. A happiness, a sense of belonging, a confidence in who they are as a child of God. I am too frustrated with myself to just live freely. I look back at my actions and even my mindset while writing this and automatically count myself out of the club. I can't remember the last time I met a new friend haha. Finding the balance between following the set path and being open to new ones is proving difficult. What am I missing? Why don't I get it? Why do I only feel excluded from those around me? I know it's because I am far from the Lord. I think I can do this on my own, but that is false, both socially and spiritually. I have so far to go it discourages and emasculates me. So I just act like things are going well and perpetuate it. So frustrating and so embarrassing. Turns out I'm not the hot shot I thought I was.
I am so excited to grow as a man and feel I am in the perfect place with a job I enjoy, a new sense of adventure (and a pair of ski's to take me there), and a desire to do so much for the kingdom now that I may not have the ability to do later. It's high time I use the blessings and what time and relationships I do have to hurry up and be patient for where the Lord is taking me, cause I can't go there on my own. Much like I went to school knowing hardly a sole and walked away with such rich relationships I enter a new time of figuring out what my mission is. I know these lonely nights and times of frustration will lead to a rich future with Christ. But where to start?
"Though I feel just as strong as any man I know
I'm not able on my own"
-----
Brad
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