One week ago today my cousin Brandon killed himself at University of Washington. It has been the saddest week my family has ever experienced. My mom spent the next day, Wednesday, up in the Seattle area with my Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle as they dealt with all kinds of stuff and went to see my other cousin at his school. She told me it was the saddest day of her life, it has been one of the most painful sentences I have ever heard.
I don't think it has registered within me that I will never see him again. My teammate in games of Cops and Robbers as kids and basketball as teenagers is forever gone from this earth. It will set in more and more over the next weeks months and years as I don't attend his college graduation, don't go to his wedding, don't run another 5k race with him and watch as my little cousin outsprints me at the line the day after he ran a half marathon haha. There is so much about him I had yet to experience, so much joy and victory he robbed himself of, it pulls me into a world where the only thing I know is missing Brandon.
My heart breaks that he was in such pain and felt so alone so that he had no where to turn. I think about him up at school, hating his classes, feeling ashamed of a strange disorder his body had that caused to blush abnormally, feeling all alone, feeling hopeless. And here I was only a three hour drive away... O had I known, we would have spent every weekend together. I would give anything in my possesion and power to sit and tell him more about Jesus and the hope of the Gospel and how blessed he was to have compassion for others and how much the Lord was preparing to use him to bless others. Now I will spend this next weekend at a service remembering his life. I will go to his house and see everything about him but him, be surrounded by everything that is his but he himself. I will see only his twin brother and wish so deeply I could laugh and joke about how tall both of them were getting instead of trying to embrace and comfort what I can only imagine as the deepest pain a brother can feel. I am emotionally spent... I am too exaushted to be sad, I don't even cry anymore... I just sit here with watery eyes and a dry open mouth in disbelief of it all.
What is this life but short, painful and fleeting. I know I will die someday, do I take that to heart? Will I make it count? Who says Brandon died too soon? Too soon for what?... He had a rich life and was more caring and sensitive to others than I can imagine... Will I ever live long enough to reach the compassion he had towards others? He may not be here but what he did and the terrible wrong that it was will be worked for good by the Lord to help others who struggle so deeply with his same disorder. This world is filled with so much shit that doesn't mean a damn thing, it nauseates me to see the type of things people worry about, the things we waste our time with are appauling. I am so fed up with thinking about myself. Having someone you love jump off a building gives you a new perspective on what is important in life. If you ask me Brandon got away just in time, before he was numbed by this hypocritical, diseased society we live in... if only his escape was to Jesus first.
God did not cause this, this was a terrible thing outside His will and while it is so painful to accept I only hope it opens the eyes of my family and others to see that living life just avoiding death is so meaningless, because it still happens, making yourself comfortable will only make pain and loss more uncomfortable. Life is about love and compassion, from God, for God and towards others.
Whatever pain he felt, whatever demons he dealt with I can only hope he is free of them and that I will see him again in a place where his body is flawless and made new and where he doesn't blush even once..ever.
The day of death is better than the day of birth
For death is the destiny of every man
The living should take this to heart.
-Ecclesiastes 7
I don't think it has registered within me that I will never see him again. My teammate in games of Cops and Robbers as kids and basketball as teenagers is forever gone from this earth. It will set in more and more over the next weeks months and years as I don't attend his college graduation, don't go to his wedding, don't run another 5k race with him and watch as my little cousin outsprints me at the line the day after he ran a half marathon haha. There is so much about him I had yet to experience, so much joy and victory he robbed himself of, it pulls me into a world where the only thing I know is missing Brandon.
My heart breaks that he was in such pain and felt so alone so that he had no where to turn. I think about him up at school, hating his classes, feeling ashamed of a strange disorder his body had that caused to blush abnormally, feeling all alone, feeling hopeless. And here I was only a three hour drive away... O had I known, we would have spent every weekend together. I would give anything in my possesion and power to sit and tell him more about Jesus and the hope of the Gospel and how blessed he was to have compassion for others and how much the Lord was preparing to use him to bless others. Now I will spend this next weekend at a service remembering his life. I will go to his house and see everything about him but him, be surrounded by everything that is his but he himself. I will see only his twin brother and wish so deeply I could laugh and joke about how tall both of them were getting instead of trying to embrace and comfort what I can only imagine as the deepest pain a brother can feel. I am emotionally spent... I am too exaushted to be sad, I don't even cry anymore... I just sit here with watery eyes and a dry open mouth in disbelief of it all.
What is this life but short, painful and fleeting. I know I will die someday, do I take that to heart? Will I make it count? Who says Brandon died too soon? Too soon for what?... He had a rich life and was more caring and sensitive to others than I can imagine... Will I ever live long enough to reach the compassion he had towards others? He may not be here but what he did and the terrible wrong that it was will be worked for good by the Lord to help others who struggle so deeply with his same disorder. This world is filled with so much shit that doesn't mean a damn thing, it nauseates me to see the type of things people worry about, the things we waste our time with are appauling. I am so fed up with thinking about myself. Having someone you love jump off a building gives you a new perspective on what is important in life. If you ask me Brandon got away just in time, before he was numbed by this hypocritical, diseased society we live in... if only his escape was to Jesus first.
God did not cause this, this was a terrible thing outside His will and while it is so painful to accept I only hope it opens the eyes of my family and others to see that living life just avoiding death is so meaningless, because it still happens, making yourself comfortable will only make pain and loss more uncomfortable. Life is about love and compassion, from God, for God and towards others.
Whatever pain he felt, whatever demons he dealt with I can only hope he is free of them and that I will see him again in a place where his body is flawless and made new and where he doesn't blush even once..ever.
The day of death is better than the day of birth
For death is the destiny of every man
The living should take this to heart.
-Ecclesiastes 7
