Sorrowful Joy

One week ago today my cousin Brandon killed himself at University of Washington.  It has been the saddest week my family has ever experienced.  My mom spent the next day, Wednesday, up in the Seattle area with my Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle as they dealt with all kinds of stuff and went to see my other cousin at his school.  She told me it was the saddest day of her life, it has been one of the most painful sentences I have ever heard.

I don't think it has registered within me that I will never see him again.  My teammate in games of Cops and Robbers as kids and basketball as teenagers is forever gone from this earth.  It will set in more and more over the next weeks months and years as I don't attend his college graduation, don't go to his wedding, don't run another 5k race with him and watch as my little cousin outsprints me at the line the day after he ran a half marathon haha.  There is so much about him I had yet to experience, so much joy and victory he robbed himself of, it pulls me into a world where the only thing I know is missing Brandon.

My heart breaks that he was in such pain and felt so alone so that he had no where to turn.  I think about him up at school, hating his classes, feeling ashamed of a strange disorder his body had that caused to blush abnormally, feeling all alone, feeling hopeless.  And here I was only a three hour drive away... O had I known, we would have spent every weekend together.  I would give anything in my possesion and power to sit and tell him more about Jesus and the hope of the Gospel and how blessed he was to have compassion for others and how much the Lord was preparing to use him to bless others.  Now I will spend this next weekend at a service remembering his life.  I will go to his house and see everything about him but him, be surrounded by everything that is his but he himself.  I will see only his twin brother and wish so deeply I could laugh and joke about how tall both of them were getting instead of trying to embrace and comfort what I can only imagine as the deepest pain a brother can feel.  I am emotionally spent... I am too exaushted to be sad, I don't even cry anymore... I just sit here with watery eyes and a dry open mouth in disbelief of it all.

What is this life but short, painful and fleeting.  I know I will die someday, do I take that to heart?  Will I make it count?  Who says Brandon died too soon?  Too soon for what?... He had a rich life and was more caring and sensitive to others than I can imagine... Will I ever live long enough to reach the compassion he had towards others?  He may not be here but what he did and the terrible wrong that it was will be worked for good by the Lord to help others who struggle so deeply with his same disorder.  This world is filled with so much shit that doesn't mean a damn thing, it nauseates me to see the type of things people worry about, the things we waste our time with are appauling.  I am so fed up with thinking about myself.  Having someone you love jump off a building gives you a new perspective on what is important in life.  If you ask me Brandon got away just in time, before he was numbed by this hypocritical, diseased society we live in... if only his escape was to Jesus first.

God did not cause this, this was a terrible thing outside His will and while it is so painful to accept I only hope it opens the eyes of my family and others to see that living life just avoiding death is so meaningless, because it still happens, making yourself comfortable will only make pain and loss more uncomfortable.  Life is about love and compassion, from God, for God and towards others.

Whatever pain he felt, whatever demons he dealt with I can only hope he is free of them and that I will see him again in a place where his body is flawless and made new and where he doesn't blush even once..ever.


The day of death is better than the day of birth
For death is the destiny of every man
The living should take this to heart.
-Ecclesiastes 7

The Grand Optimist

This sure is an interesting Valentines Day.  I sprained my ankle last night at a young life event so today was spent sitting at my desk with an ankle double in size shooting with pain just sitting there, let alone hobbling to get my lunch or back to my car at the end of the day.  After being there for an hour if you would have told me I would have lasted the 10 more I may not have believed you.  But what am I gonna do about it? Made it home with a less than confident driving foot and laying down icing my entire bruised lower leg and foot tonight was the most relieving pain I have ever felt.

I can only remember 1 or 2 valentines days since early high school that I haven't taken a girlfriend out on and done all the hoopla.  Honestly I look back and realize I could have done without all but one of them and that even though I am frustrated with living my life mostly by myself right now I realize where I'm at is just fine and whether its a couple years till I'm "ready" whatever that means, or a couple weeks it just really doesn't matter and worrying about myself for the past few months has been nothing short of depressing and degrading.  I'm tired of feeling the most alone during and after church.  I am tired of feeling like I'm wasting part of life and not living up to what a "Godly" guy is like.  I am tired of thinking about myself.

My mind has been driving me crazy and all this time focusing on myself is killing my excitement and energy in life.  I'm so ready to serve others and be apart of something greater and serve the Lord so fiercly I don't have time to care about what my church tells me I need to look like.  I'm ready for adventure, I'm ready for challange, even more so than this cause being tired and half depressed all the time is just boring not hard.

I have been ready this book about the Israeli wall being built literally through Palentinian villages.  It makes me so angry and hungry for justice for thousands of people who are having their homes land and freedom to even drive a car on a certain road taken away from them so some country can claim they are protecting themselves from terrorism.  Hey Jews, heres and idea:  stop stealing from people and imposing your predujice and oppression on the Palenstian people to take back your "Holy City".  Yes Jerusalem is a historically importance place but it's not worth making regular human beings who happen to be Arab and on the "wrong" side of a fence or religious belief suffer because a very small minority of them are terrorists.  You clearly don't know the Lord or understand you can be made more Holy no matter where you are in the world than any city through Christ.

This makes all the Religious scumbags in America who cry about the War on Religion in America look like a bunch of cry babies.  Get over it, you live such a selfish easy life, just because people don't know Jesus yet (like you clearly don't) doesn't mean the Country is physically persecuting you.

The world is so messed up it makes me sick and ready to do not something, but everything about it.  Jesus calls us to DIE to ourselves and follow him... not just be nice to people at church and help someone when it's convient for us or judge and fight others when their views are different than ours.  I'm sick of putting on this show and feeling shame for decisions I regret.  We have been given life to the fullest,  we don't we want it?


"I fear that all my debts will be left unpaid
Feel like a cripple without a cane
I'm like a jack of all trades who’s a master of none
Then there's my Father, He's always looking on the bright side
He is the Grand Optimist
I am the world’s poor pessimist"


____
Brad

Able

The past however long of my life has been so different than what I envisioned that it's hard to remember last winter and spring and think of it as anything more than just a brief season that I got to enjoy before something realized I snuck in and didn't belong.  If it was my own actions or just life it seemed time for a new trial and time of being alone.  After 5 years of growth and experiences in college brought to me such a fun and thriving part of my life I am now in nearly totally different circumstances staring at uncertainty and challenge.  Thus far it has led to only loneliness mixed with brief moments of adventure and feelings of belonging.  I have a job, praise the Lord, one that I enjoy very much in fact.  So much that at times it is the part of my week I look forward too the most.  I don't mind coming in early or staying late.  Of course with working 6:30 to 5:15 Mon-Thur this proves to make my already monotone week even more work oriented.  But still I don't mind.  Mostly because I don't do much outside of work and the few things I do I'm not excited about enough to really look forward to them.  My three day weekends often go by quickly and unproductively and end in my own guilt of not doing more, serving more, being apart of something bigger.  I feel so lost.  I know exactly what I am doing to cause this feeling and the things that I could do to fix it, but still I feel so unable to move, days pass by with no motivation, no excitement.  I try to run still but only end up feeling on the brink of injury and exhaustion.

I don't think I have ever felt so out of the loop.  Rarely do people seek to spend time with me and likewise I rarely seek to spend time with others.  I feel excluded from my church community, something I attempted to fit-in with for so long but have since lost the energy and immaturity to keep up with.  My friends from college seemed to move onto a stage of life that I have yet to get too or have already moved past.  My lifestyle is so selfish yet most of the time I just wish I could be doing something for others.  I really don't mind being alone, selfish me could do it all the time, but what the Lord desires for me calls me to do much more, and I have put that pressure solely on myself.  Which I am not able to fulfill.  I don't feel to different from many others around me, yet they all seem to get something I just can't grasp.  A happiness, a sense of belonging, a confidence in who they are as a child of God.  I am too frustrated with myself to just live freely.  I look back at my actions and even my mindset while writing this and automatically count myself out of the club.  I can't remember the last time I met a new friend haha.  Finding the balance between following the set path and being open to new ones is proving difficult.  What am I missing?  Why don't I get it?  Why do I only feel excluded from those around me?  I know it's because I am far from the Lord.  I think I can do this on my own, but that is false, both socially and spiritually.  I have so far to go it discourages and emasculates me.  So I just act like things are going well and perpetuate it.  So frustrating and so embarrassing.  Turns out I'm not the hot shot I thought I was.  

I am so excited to grow as a man and feel I am in the perfect place with a job I enjoy, a new sense of adventure (and a pair of ski's to take me there), and a desire to do so much for the kingdom now that I may not have the ability to do later.  It's high time I use the blessings and what time and relationships I do have to hurry up and be patient for where the Lord is taking me, cause I can't go there on my own.  Much like I went to school knowing hardly a sole and walked away with such rich relationships I enter a new time of figuring out what my mission is.  I know these lonely nights and times of frustration will lead to a rich future with Christ.  But where to start?

"Though I feel just as strong as any man I know
I'm not able on my own"


-----
Brad

Its A Great Day to be Alive

Well its the Sunday afternoon before my last Finals week... of undergraduate school at least, kickin it to some Travis Tritt.  Despite the last two weeks being pretty stressful I feel pretty good about things right now.  Got two business tests, a take home final that I finished to turn in, an evaluation of my senior project to present and the final paper of my senior project to write and turn in.  Looked the other day and our paper is at 70 something pages and I'm hoping that we can finish it up in under 100 but I'm thinking were going to have a lot of attachments to thrown in with it.  Anyway thats really the only thing looming over me so all in all I'm doing pretty good.  Here is a bullet list of eventful things to spare some writing:

• Have a phone interview with Adec during spring break.  Not sure if I would be able to get the current position though because:
• Leaving for Greece on the 18th of April, get back late June.
• I'm for sure the dining hall work crew boss at Creekside YoungLife camp during second session this summer.
• Had my last dance classes this last week and my last regular night at Eagles last thursday, which Katie couldn't make it to so I was super bummed, that place is "our spot" so to speak so even being there without her was weird, let alone it was my last time while in school.  Was thinkin about making up for it this week but decided Bushwackers would be a little more enjoyable.
• Got workweek coming up this next week during spring break and I think my brother and I want to film a video as our club characters to get our middle schoolers stoked for camp.
• Parents came down on Friday and had a farewell party for me at my brothers place which was fun.
• Helped my brother jack up his car and fix his transmission.... in a parking lot on campus haha.  Lot's of people asked me if I needed help cause they thought I was changing a tire. "No I'm just waiting for my brother so we can shove the spare tires under the car so it doesn't fall on us while we're using electricians tape to jury-rig the transmission linkage into place so he can get it back into gear at least once" haha.  Gotta love Petersen style auto-mechanics.
• Took my last college class.
• Went to an Oregon State University Beavers Baseball game, GO BEAV'S... we won.
• The sink in my apartment got fixed, it just works now.. soooo nice.
• Hopefully going to get to cross country ski into a firewatch tower with Kenneth and some guys in a few weeks.  Ready for some man time adventure for suuuuure.

It's a goofy thing but I just gotta say Hey I'm doing alright.  College is wrappin up just fine and I'm looking forward to the next few months and summer.  I'm stoked at how my attitude about life and serving the Lord has been changing and I only hope it continues and I can be the man I know I'm meant to be.  Kinda weird realizing I may not be sittin in the Library ever again to study... WEIRD! Alright, time to go get some grub and kick with my lady.

"Feelin' pretty good and that's the truth 
It's neither drink nor drug induced
No I'm just doin' alright"

I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and
went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your
hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not
want to go.

John 21:18 

____

Brad 

He Who Feeds The Ravens

This morning I'm sitting at home listening to some Josh White and loving how the morning has begun.  Its not even 10 and I have been up for 3 hours just kickin it and reading.  Last night was the guys group Mancation and Kenneth and Brad spent the night at my place so I was up early to see them off to their PE Teacher conference, wish I could have gone with them to see such a thing but while I thought it was funny they said describing it as funny would be a stretch considering how worthless they seem haha.  Blazers won last night so that made the Mancation that much better and Brett and I spent our quite time in his room which was solid considering how little we talk for how good of friends we are.  It became obvious to me last night that my life is not what it used to be.  Mancations used to be late nights of swords tournaments, wrestling that usually ended with an epic tap-out match between two of the best wrestlers there (never me), and endless goofin off and catchin up.  Obviously the group of guys has changed almost 100% from what it used to be.  Along with that, it being at Beau's house didn't feel like a real escape because I hang out there so much during the summer and being there with people just felt like any summer or weekend night with the boys.  For what it was it was a great night.  Being up late the night before and having a hellish week lead to a lack of energy for the usual Mancation activities of my youth and instead I appreciating the time to just be alone with God. 

So much of my life is spend doing something and that time spent doing nothing is needed.  I love having a plan and knowing exactly what I'm going to be doing all day, and it's killing me.  So last night as I layed on Brett's bedroom's floor and listened to Brett drift in and out of sleep by judging his breathing patterns I decided that instead of focusing on only the efficient way to live my life and serve God I also need to work on being effective in my walk with the Lord, which doesn't always mean being efficient.  I am so excited for my trip to Greece to be just that.  The only learning and structure and schedule I will have won't be related to school or any other business I have in my life now.  I am very ready to be done with school and the other day as I wandered the career fair and talked with a few companies I began to think I'm ready to be done with Engineering, at least for a little while.  Spending the summer doing something else with my life is something I'm so stoked for.  After that I hope an enthusiasm is lit in me again to work because there were a few companies I was very interested in and could really see myself enjoying.  I am really going to miss college, it was a great experience and the next 2 and half weeks will be quite a ride, both finishing my work and enjoy my last's.  Last guys group, last early bird special bible study, last classes, last bike ride to and from campus, last dance class, last time hangin out at katie's, last time cruisin by my brothers place to hang, last tests, last workout at Dixon, last run through my favorite Corvallis trails.  Last drive home from Corvallis, now that will be something.  I realize I very well could do some of these things again in my life but never again will it be the same.

The song He Who Feeds the Ravens has been on repeat while writing this and it is giving me such encouragement that as I leave college with bigger plans and desires than just a paycheck He will provide for me.  I felt this assurance this past week at the career fair and it is a great place to be.  I can't wait to be surprised by God.

"He who feeds the ravens
will give His children bread"

The Lord sets prisoners free, the Lord gives sight to the blind.
Psalm 146:7-8

____
Brad

We Could Run Away

It has been quite the day at school.  Half way into hour 10 of class / homework and I think it's time to think about something other than my senior project. Today was such just an average kind ok day, I miss the weekend.  Saturday was such a fun day.  Long run in the morning after a younglife kids bball game then to my brothers house to goof around on skateboards and roller blades out in the street all afternoon... O man those are of the best memories, just having a hood rat day with the Bubs.  As much I love Corvallis and everyone, it's good to get out into the forest and go for a run and pretend I'm in another state or in the middle of some 50k race in Europe.  Such a good time to let my mind and body just do their thing, wander and run, respectively.  Here are my mile post thoughts I think I would share:

Mile 1:  "Why do I ever run anywhere but here?  Perfect trails and open forest, doesn't even fell like a run yet.  If I make a blog about this I wonder which song I would use."

Mile 2: "... She was pretty cute.  Good to see a girl running somewhere other than a gym... and at a good pace too.  Granted she just came down the mile of downhill I'm about to go up, time to start sweating."

Mile 3: "If it was any warmer I'd jump into the logging pond, this is rough going though, can't wait to mile 5 or 6 when I get into the groove and this gets fun."

Mile 4: "This section of uphill is a lot steeper than I remember.  Alright, here we go, head up, hips forward."

Mile 5: "Now that was a Climb, I don't think I've had downhill since mile 2... time to coast."

Mile 6: "Wow what a view, for sure the next hike I take Katie on."

Mile 7: "Ok now the downhill is gettin to my knees, please don't be injured tomorrow body."

Mile 8: "Nice, a sign of civilization and I think the parking lot.  This run is just getting good though, dang."

Mile 9: "69 minutes, I'll call that 9, what an amazing day. Time for a kick it day with Cah, hope my keys are still on my car tire... yep!"

Sometimes I wonder how far I could last if I literally ran away.  Small pack, shoes and no roads allowed, that would be an experience.  I think I'll go home now.

"We Could Run Away
And Be On Our Own Again"

The Son of Man has no place to lay his head.
Matt 8:20

____
Brad

Restless

This term has gone by so fast.  I thought I was going to be a lot more stressed too.  Don't get me wrong, I have logged plenty of homework hours but... I really don't mind it.  The art to college is understanding that it is a lot of work and you are willfully doing it so why not see it as God allowing you do exactly what you want to be doing.  Now I know few people really want to do homework till late at night or over the weekend [i just do mine during the weekdays though] and in the short term it's not pleasing, it is worthwhile in the long term.  If you have something better to do than go to class.. do it.  If school stresses you out that much and you have better things to do... go do them and stop letting it ruin your day.  When I look to what my future will be after applying myself and learning enough discipline to graduate I can honestly say I like going to school, I feel lazy and bored when I just do nothing, maybe that's why in five years I can only remember intentionally skipping a class maybe twice... I honestly can't remember that's just a guess cause I'm sure I missed some. (I did accidentally miss a math recitation freshman year and showed up an hour late).  The point I'm getting too is that this term has been very enjoyable because I like what I do.  I like playing in stock market simulation software way more than my class requires.  I like going out to my senior project sponsor site and building workbenches and running a skill saw again (takes me back to summer).  Even though this term has been great I feel so anxious to do more, a therapist I used to meet with would laugh and tell me I am "full of life" and that I want to do some many things that I just don't have time for right now in life.  So here is a list of things I am thinking about or would like to do with my life, seeing that in a couple months I will have the time too pursue one of them I better get them on the table.

• Work at Blount  as an Engineer and work my way through management to be CEO.
• Work at Adec and mentor future MECOP interns.
• Go to Seminary on the East Coast.
• Start a Bible School in Bend with Brett.
• Get married young.
• Stay single into my 30's.
• Go to graduate school at MIT.
• Move to Colorado and get waaay to into running.
• Move to Utah and ski everyday.
• Start mountaineering seriously, which would probably lead to climbing Everest.
• Cross Country Ski to both the earth's poles.
• Play music more seriously.
• Move to Florida and wakeboard everyday.
• Buy a ranch and raise my boys on it.
• Live on a sailboat and sail around the world for a few years.
• Get more involved at my church and start a house church.
• Compete in Triathlons and do an Iron Man.
• Become a professional cyclist.
• Start an innovative Lean Manufacturing company.
• Be a firefighter and eventually "climb the ladder" so to speak.
• Get married, live in Portland and bring the Gospel to my neighbors.
• Move to Bend and see just how good at mountain biking I could be.
• Travel the world with my family as missionaries.
• Romance and live adventurously with a beautiful woman for the rest of my life. 

People always say dream big cause you can do anything you want.  While I used to be pretty critical of this statement and while some things are just impossible I have this feeling of being able to do just about anything I want.  There is no stress of if I'm able too... more just having to chose and do it.  That list isn't a bunch of my dreams, they are my options,  maybe I'm too confident... but I know the only way I could anything in this life that has been given me is through the Lord.  So maybe these aren't really MY options, but the paths the Lord has set on my heart.  He'll be there no matter which one I start walking down and no one will glorify Him any more or less.  I'm stoked to make disciples and share Jesus with whoever I end up having around me. As much of an introverted sail-around-the-world-by-myself person I may be I'll end up being a leader in some extent at some point of my life and I'm so thankful for that.  As for now I'll have a few more tests and an amazing trip to Greece to experience before these start happening.

"But I'll have years to think of
The way I'd do the things I did
We're here now and I can change
But I'm still restless"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; ALL things are possible with God."
Mark 10:27


____
Brad